My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
