I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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