I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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