I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
