he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
