i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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