Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
