Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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