i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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