Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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