I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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