Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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