Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
