heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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