I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
