i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
