Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
