woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
