I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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