I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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