i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Found your dick twin last night
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
