What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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