so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
