R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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