god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just had sex bonerless
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
