saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize