CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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