I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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