She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
