If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it's great music for shaving your balls
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
