I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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