I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
