eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
