I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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