Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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