Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
