It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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