i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
