My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize