then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
