i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
