She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
