I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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