Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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