Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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