You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
