Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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