just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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