Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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