my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
