I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
