I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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