no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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