quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
