dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
