tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
