On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
