My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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