i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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