If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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