My pussy is not your playground.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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