you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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