chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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