his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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