Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
